I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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