How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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