I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Randomize
