I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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