It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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