Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
