i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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