Don't make out with my wife yet
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
