took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
