Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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