You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
