Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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