I've blown a few things in my day
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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