I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
