i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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