Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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