Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
