I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
