This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
