so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
