This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
