my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
