Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Is Oprah even human
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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