Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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