Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
