i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
