I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
