I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
