69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
