oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
