I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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