Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
