i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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