I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize