True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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