I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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