What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
