I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
no, he came in my armpit
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
