I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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