just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
