It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Ketchup is God's man juice
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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