talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
