I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize