Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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