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Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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