I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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