Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He shit in the fireplace
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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