sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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