I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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