So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
