She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
