I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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